Kink life VS Vanilla life

I’ve been asked this question several times, so I decided to write about it. Why am I so drawn to this lifestyle? Here is my attempt at an answer. In the past 20 years, I’d say I was living a life where I simply conformed. In my late teens and early twenties, I was downright adventurous, and probably more advanced in my sexual journey than most people of my age. I enjoyed the company of older men. Their maturity and approach to life, and of course my love for men in a well-made suit, attracted me to them. A delicious thought! I was lucky to have an experienced Dom who opened that world up for me. All those things I wanted him to do to me and me to him. I wanted to submit! I learnt boundaries and what a safe word is. I would just want to be tied up, spanked and have him do anything he wanted with me. At the same time, he made me feel safe and guided me on my sexual journey, helping me discover what I liked and didn’t like. To this day, impact play and marks are not my thing. I was protected. It was a liberating feeling, as I called people close to my age ‘5-minute wonders’. They simply didn’t provide the sexual satisfaction that older, more mature men gave me. One benefit was the lack of drama!

For me, the kink life went beyond the act of sex itself; it was the intellectual conversations and the flirting. It was a learning journey where I was taught how the integration of words, actions, toys complemented good play. He transformed my naïve curiosity into a sophisticated understanding of sensual artistry. My sensuality emerges only with those I can connect with. I was innocent but quickly learned. He taught me that it wasn’t just about the sex; it was the openness in our conversations, how he would push my limits in my own sexual exploration within the confines of boundaries which I equally controlled. How respectful he was. I dated few people my own age because it never gave me the excitement and thrill I sought. I preferred extended play, dressing up, restraints and the occasional public play, all of which were introduced to me when I was younger. However over time, I placed things from the past into a box, threw the key away, and only smashed up the box in recent years.

In the past, I had very open-minded friends from all walks of life, but I suppose at the back of my mind, the pressure of societal norms pushed me towards a vanilla lifestyle. Perhaps it was the right thing to do; I don’t think it’s a bad thing, as too much of one thing is never good. What I do know now is that I need my sexual freedom. I have always enjoyed sex, but it requires a strong level of trust, experience and connection to get me going. Fast forward 20 years, I feel that desire for expression, or call it midlife horniness that comes with maturity and a strong awareness of my needs, is out with a vengeance! That desire is stronger than ever before because it’s hard to change the essence of who we are. To bring that out again requires real intimacy with your partner, where there is truth and you feel comfortable sharing what tickles your fancy without fear of judgement. It’s where they are emotionally available towards all aspects of your life. These components of trust, being judgement-free and emotionally available are the essence of a good play. Emotional availability means presence, which means not picking up a phone during a play session and being there in the moment. In recent years, I’ve come to believe that we’ve evolved beyond the traditional notion of a single, all-encompassing mate. Just think about it — we’ve got our work mates, those colleagues who share our professional journey; our soul mates, who connect with us on a spiritual level; our roommates, who make our living spaces feel like home; our playmates, who bring joy and laughter into our world; and even our kink mates, who explore the depths of our desires and fantasies. I haven’t stumbled upon that mythical unicorn — a single person who ticks all these boxes. Hence, that vision we’ve been indoctrinated with — “two people sitting on rocking chairs watching life pass them by” — seems limiting. Why can’t we have two or three?

What has kink life given me that vanilla couldn’t? It has helped me explore my limits, made me comfortable in my own skin, and given me a level of creativity that translates to all aspects of my life. I realise my sort of play relies more on sensory experiences, where one element is removed or restricted to heighten my other senses to a level that vanilla sex can’t match. It’s like a rollercoaster ride as you start slowly, ascending to great heights, and then — bam! — you enter a dark tunnel and the thrill begins. Embracing this lifestyle has made me less judgemental. I don’t fear what others think. It made me realise that perspective is important and desires differ. Whatever “floats your boat” is respected because that is your choice. I just chase the feeling of pleasure. One might ask, “What is vanilla?” It’s all a matter of perspective. For me, vanilla is missionary in the dark, wham-bam, and done! It lacks excitement and foreplay. It feels more like a task than pleasure. I think I have only orgasmed a few times having this type of sex. Think vanilla ice cream. It is bland and cries out for more! It’s begging for a drizzle of rich chocolate sauce, a shower of colourful sprinkles, or a fluffy marshmallow. On its own, vanilla simply doesn’t cut it. It’s asking for more yummy extras. Kinky play is a journey of mutual discovery that turns imagination into reality. It’s an adventure centred on anticipation and build-up. Its the extra condiments in the vanilla ice cream but what will you add? or shall I say we add? I believe it begins in the mind, where perhaps 80% is mental foreplay and 20% the actual act. This psychological interplay sets the perfect mood, creating an atmosphere of tension and desire for whatever comes next. How wet can you get me? How good does that chocolate syrup taste? I know, with absolute certainty, that my eventual orgasm will be more intense when I am edged, teased and brought to the rim of explosive pleasure. It is what I call a “sonic boom.” The kink lifestyle isn’t solely about the climax — it’s about the release it provides, allowing one’s mind to go blank with intense pleasure in a moment in time.

Back to suits, Yes, I have a strong attraction to men in suits; I adore intelligent, well-dressed gentlemen. The thought of them arouse me! Role-play scenes. The most liberating aspect of this lifestyle is the connections with like-minded individuals. It’s a wonderful feeling to discover a community where people feel comfortable being their authentic selves, free from judgement or societal constraints. We know that this level of openness doesn’t necessarily always lead to encounters or ‘play’. The beauty lies in the freedom to express oneself fully, to engage in honest conversations. For me, this kink community is as authentic as can be. Who meets someone for the first time and talks about spanking, being trampled on, inflatable butt plugs and a desire to go to a dungeon, and then is able to transition to world politics and business strategies? Munch conversations as a group get even more interesting.

As my past surfaces, I’ve had this epiphany that keeping my true self locked away all these years has been doing me more harm than good. It’s been like a pressure cooker, desperately needing release! On that note, I must say thank you to my vibrators. They’ve been there through wet and dry, providing comfort when I needed it. What I need now is to revisit my past and welcome it back to the future.